I believe this is love

He texts me in the afternoon to tell me he just vomited blood.

 

and then he tells me in agony that his ribs hurt hours later.

 

 

 

I feel like jumping on the next bus to him.

Medical check-up is scheduled tomorrow. Please be alright, I love you so.

Unrefined

As we grow up, I guess it is inevitable that many of our more naïve perceptions changes with time.

Do you remember the younger uglier versions of us sitting back in our high school classroom constantly discussing about our future, exploring endless (then) possibilities of career choices and envisioning about our future partners. And many more rebellious acts like fighting with our parents, doing forbidden stuff, challenge the line that separates us from getting into trouble with law enforcements.

I used to think some things would never happen to me, to people around me, to my comfort circle of people. They seemed so far away, so indistinctive, so implausible. But yet so near & so imminent now.

I’m not sure what I’m lamenting right now but it’s just one of those days when such thoughts run through my mind and I have the strangest urge to put it down into words.

It’s not like I have seen much of the world. I have a delicate yet a very unadventurous childhood, which might explained why I had such a hard time fitting in most of the time.

I spent my time learning ballet & the piano (both of which didn’t last long), doing jigsaw puzzles, playing Barbie dolls, doing teatimes with my friends.

When I was 7, I had something that can be likened to a cultural shock when I was taken to my primary school. I couldn’t fit in. I got beaten by my very extremely strict teacher every day.

Enough of my past, I’ve been deviating from my point for quite some time now.

I guess what I really wanted to say is that,

No. Nothing happens the way I envisioned myself to be more than a decade ago. Nothing is really that far away.

Sometimes, I think that I might have lost myself all those years ago back in primary school. That’s the reason why I am still feeling unrefined and directionless despite my upcoming 21^st birthday.

Maybe I’m just feeling a teeny weeny bit depressed because of that stupid yearly thing that should mean less to me… but it means so much more now because it means I’ve been feeling lost and have been sleepwalking for 2.1 decades.

What does it mean? What does it really mean?

I remembered how many of us used to say if we would have a controlling boyfriend, walk away with style! But no, it doesn’t quite happen that way. I read one of a distant friend’s blog where she explores the possibility of a scenario which her husband (also imaginary) had an affair. What would she do? 5 years ago, I would have said fuck that bastard! Get a new one! She did too. What about now? Yes, we could have still done it. Fuck that heart that is still beating for him. Heartbroken? Yes, but we would still have lived. However, what if… what if you had a child with him? Would that still be that easy? Guess not. It makes it harder and worse (or better and easier, depends how you looked at it) if he came back on his knees begging for forgiveness. Could you find it in yourself despite all the anger and anguish to forgive your child’s father but also the cheap man slut?

There isn’t a definite and distinctive answer to that. It depends on you. However, the choices you decided to make? Make sure you could live with them throughout your life.

P.s Nothing of this magnitude has happened to me. My boyfriend is still faithful (I hope LOL) and I'm not depressed! Like I said, just a train of random thoughts, people.

guess the chunk game

dissembled!

it was just another day at work...

friday is like the most relaxed day + we could go off at 4 today!

(due to the upcoming street rally)

so i was leisurely facebooking with yi ru... going through pictures of reaaaally adorable kittens and puppies and figuring out when is harry potter premiering and reading about tomorrow's street rally stuff. oh and bitching about the printers at work.

that was until hafiz

(i am not sure whether this is how his name is supposed to spell LOL)

dragged me over to dissemble a suction pump.

that guy makes me feel that i have a sign which says

"please bully me"

plastered all over my forehead.

just when i walked over to him.

he said "just joking!"

...

anyway, dejected & bounded by duty, i started unscrewing while being oblivious to the fact that both MEN beside me were fully equipped with surgical mask & gloves.

awhile later, one of them handed me gloves and we continued dissembling.

it was not until some gooey yellow liquid started dripping when one of the MEN started exclaiming how i should totally wear a mask or else i'll get infected or worse that freaked me out so much that i yelled for yi ru to help me get it on.

all in good time, as i bend back down, the MEN practically ran away!

i looked down and this is what i saw.

let's just say the gooey yellow liquid was as pure as water compared to this.

this was our senior spraying disinfectant.

thank GOD!

i never have been so grateful at the sight and smell of disinfectant!

(it smells like guava, if i'm not mistaken)

the CHUNKY stuff smells reaaaaaaaaaaaaally bad.

like saliva from various people + rotten..... something-s.

maybe like rotten corpse.

(except that i never smelled one... TOUCH WOOD)

good god.

halfway through all of these filthy madness, another intern walked in holding a piece of bread and munching away happily.

all these while looking closely at the CHUNKS.

after that, he ate some sweets.

then, someone insisted that we wear aprons.

another intern was responsible for dressing us up as our hands are really filthy at that point.

like a bunch of horny hens, they instantly started a lengthy discussion about how the guy helped me with my apron.

sigh. really.

...

then, we "da bao"

and the little dissembling session ended right after i was dressed in an apron.

this leads me to a suspicion that the point of wearing an apron is...

to wear an apron.

now...

can someone tell me what on earth are those chunky stuff?

P.s in case you're wondering, i did asked... but someone said "oh no! don't ask!"

30 seconds later.. he claimed it to be "cendawan"

wth.

when we fight…

 

 

the dude bullies me at each opportunity he gets!

 

the other day i was having dinner with his friends and him when he started to whine like a lost kitten (still have no idea why people insist that he can crunch up their bones or whatever :P)  that he had nothing to do during the weekends.

naturally, his friends asked why didn’t he want to hang out with me?

 

that was it.

his golden chance to make me look bad.

 

“ohh… *huge earth-shaking sigh* aiya she has her own outings with her friends”

completed with a helpless kitten look.

 

 

his friend looked at him sympathetically

then turned around and sternly asked me why didn’t I include him in my weekend activities!

 

as i sat there mouth agape, with a blank mind, in my mind i was seething and cursing

damn oscar winner of the year!!

 

 

PLUS, guess who joined my meticulously planned night out with friends?

alright, to be fair, it was impromptu and his friends were the ones who suggested the exact same place………

but it’s like henry’s crime you know

 

“i have done the time, i might as well do the crime”

 

 

and it also doesn’t mean that i don’t get to whine about it!!

 

HAHAHAHA jk

glad to have him with me throughout the night! ♥

oh hi-hi

 

hai :D

 

erm… thought you’d miss me :P

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

sat out w the girls & annoying them by acting sickly princessy is PRICELESS ♥

i said i’ll make it my profile pic but then again… i don have the guts to LOL (it’s apparently very obvious why HAHAHAHHAHAHAH so don ask!)

 

 

i should really  blog cuz i have sooo many pictures and so many funny things to talk about unfortunately at this point, i probably forgot much of everything :(

 

it’s not like i don wanna blog, i really do.

every morning i open my blog to click on links to other great blogs and i’m like my blog is so dead.

but weekdays are basically hard labour!

i’m not at that department yet but the thing is travelling and waking up early is so not my thing. thus, after getting back from WORK, i’m half dead.

… except when i need to do laundry, which i will totally announce it to qi & grumble more about my housemates for washing their clothes every single fucking day, throughout the whole ride home. (today)

 

weekends are fun fun fun LOL. damnit rebecca black!

i mean i have insufficient time to play, date my bf and sleep, thus blogging is the least of my concerns during weekends :P

 

OH & this is apparently very wrong…

 

very tired, a little sleep on friday night & plenty of giggles on saturday can lead you to do… erm things. :(

 

 

… i would have sworn vehemently i’m innocent except that i think it is rather “salah” myself after looking at the pictures FML.

 

er… awkward! thus the abrupt ending, BYE! ♥

Ouch

i am positive i never ever heard of someone falling down stairs in a cinema before.

like ever.

too bad it only happens to suckers like me.

FML. :(

i guess i owe it to myself to explain how it happened...

the cinema was dark when i was walking down along with THREE other people

and every step has a warning small blue light to guide people down the stairs...

so somehow or other one was not lit!

I DID ponder around that thought for the duration of what it took to descend 2 steps,

like was it unlit or is it a step with a bigger area?

*smacks head*

so being the idiot i was,

let's just say i had to put back on one of my shoes.

//

it was the pure hard honesty of what -someone- really thought of me that

instantly lead me to a horrifying realization that i have essentially spent more than a decade of my life successfully making a fool of

myself.

i feel so lost.