As we grow up, I guess it is inevitable that many of our more naïve perceptions changes with time.
Do you remember the younger uglier versions of us sitting back in our high school classroom constantly discussing about our future, exploring endless (then) possibilities of career choices and envisioning about our future partners. And many more rebellious acts like fighting with our parents, doing forbidden stuff, challenge the line that separates us from getting into trouble with law enforcements.
I used to think some things would never happen to me, to people around me, to my comfort circle of people. They seemed so far away, so indistinctive, so implausible. But yet so near & so imminent now.
I’m not sure what I’m lamenting right now but it’s just one of those days when such thoughts run through my mind and I have the strangest urge to put it down into words.
It’s not like I have seen much of the world. I have a delicate yet a very unadventurous childhood, which might explained why I had such a hard time fitting in most of the time.
I spent my time learning ballet & the piano (both of which didn’t last long), doing jigsaw puzzles, playing Barbie dolls, doing teatimes with my friends.
When I was 7, I had something that can be likened to a cultural shock when I was taken to my primary school. I couldn’t fit in. I got beaten by my very extremely strict teacher every day.
Enough of my past, I’ve been deviating from my point for quite some time now.
I guess what I really wanted to say is that,
No. Nothing happens the way I envisioned myself to be more than a decade ago. Nothing is really that far away.
Sometimes, I think that I might have lost myself all those years ago back in primary school. That’s the reason why I am still feeling unrefined and directionless despite my upcoming 21st birthday.
Maybe I’m just feeling a teeny weeny bit depressed because of that stupid yearly thing that should mean less to me… but it means so much more now because it means I’ve been feeling lost and have been sleepwalking for 2.1 decades.
What does it mean? What does it really mean?
I remembered how many of us used to say if we would have a controlling boyfriend, walk away with style! But no, it doesn’t quite happen that way. I read one of a distant friend’s blog where she explores the possibility of a scenario which her husband (also imaginary) had an affair. What would she do? 5 years ago, I would have said fuck that bastard! Get a new one! She did too. What about now? Yes, we could have still done it. Fuck that heart that is still beating for him. Heartbroken? Yes, but we would still have lived. However, what if… what if you had a child with him? Would that still be that easy? Guess not. It makes it harder and worse (or better and easier, depends how you looked at it) if he came back on his knees begging for forgiveness. Could you find it in yourself despite all the anger and anguish to forgive your child’s father but also the cheap man slut?
There isn’t a definite and distinctive answer to that. It depends on you. However, the choices you decided to make? Make sure you could live with them throughout your life.
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